2018 was a slog year. I was excited about the smaller races I go to do (pretty much all triathlons), but my two goal races were disappointing. I ran the Kentucky Derby marathon in Louisville in April and the race organizers started packing up the race before they said they would and did not divert the back of the pack runners properly, leading to many runners probably not running the full 26.2. I’m pretty certain that, despite my best efforts, I ran only 24/25 miles of the proper course. My entire lower left side was in a pretty significant amount of pain. Overall, the only awesome thing about participating in that race was getting to see my friend Tinley.
Since my last post here was a race report of my 70.3 in August, I’ll simply echo the ending sentiment of it here: I could have pushed harder, I could have done better. Maybe in 2020 or 2021, I will try to conquer the distance again.
This sets up something I’ve talked about here a few times before: excuses vs. reasons. Last year, I had to take it easy due to injuries. But the thing about recovering from injuries is you don’t want to push too hard for fear you’ll re-injure yourself, but you don’t want to take it too easy for too longĀ if you’re actually capable of pushing. It’s a hard balance to strike. It’s also so easy to think yourself incapable of getting a workout done if one of the last times you attempted the workout, you were not able to do it for a valid reason. You want to take it easy “just in case”, which is fine until you realize you’re doing that every single time; maybe even cutting runs short or putting them off for that reason, too often. The more out of practice with pushing yourself you get, you might end up stopping altogether. I had a lot of valid reasons, last year, for taking it easy, making sure I healed properly. I only two or three miles at a time once or twice a week after my 70.3, if even that. I tried hard to focus more on getting back into the gym to get stronger, rebuild muscle so there would be less chance of injury, but that never quite happened consistently.
At the beginning of December, I started training for the Ann Arbor Probility Marathon, which is at the end of March. Less than a week into training, I got downed with a stomach bug and was not able to train very much. The second week, I had a prior commitment that, while causing me to spend a lot of time on my feet, caused me to break up my run over a 24-hour period and I still fell two miles short of the allotted run mileage. A week after that, I had holiday celebrations and the beginning of (what I thought was) a rough cold, so I ended up having to break up my long run over another 24-hour period. Days later, my cold became a different beast entirely. I felt so laid out and miserable. Getting through the holidays was a little rough and I laid in my bed for a couple days after that, sleeping on and off. I was tired just getting up to go to the bathroom, the pressure in my head was tremendous, everything felt awful. By the time my next long run came around, I was feeling better, though not 100%. I figured I was well enough to attempt my mileage (it was a step-back week so it was “only 10”, compared to the 13 from the week before). I knew I might be slow, but there was no reason I couldn’t do it. The pressure in my head grew with every step and, by mile four, I was feeling more and more disoriented. I got in a little over six of the ten miles.
Going into this past week, I was apprehensive about my ability to get my training done as written because I had about four weeks of proof that I could not.
My first run was a track run and I had so many reasons why I could cut my run short, but I kept running and forcing myself to think about those reasons. While I was afraid I physically couldn’t do it because I was still recovering, I realized I was doing fine. I was going to keep running until I truly felt like I physically wasn’t able to do it anymore. But that point never came. I was able to do it and I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t tried to push myself past the voices in my head telling me slightly valid reasons why I couldn’t. The next run was a tempo run and, once again, I was thinking I might not be able to complete the whole run. “This is hard.” And I realized that I had been having to take it easy and giving myself grace so much over the past year, that I forgot that it’s supposed to be hard. I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t too out of breath, I wasn’t disoriented- physically, I was just fine. It was hard in the exact way it is supposed to be hard. You get done with a run like that and you know you put in the exact amount of effort you should have and got out of it what you needed. It felt so good to push myself like that again and it had been the first time in a long, long while.
Yesterday was my long run for the week. 14 miles. I went out with no expectations, but given the triumphs of the week, I was hopeful. Everything was going pretty well. I let myself be spontaneous with the route, which I tend to do if I feel my mental stamina is at risk (given that I was attempting 14 consecutive miles when I hadn’t run more than 8 miles consecutively since August, I felt it was). At mile 8/9, I started to fade a little. As I started to get my second wind around mile 10, my legs started to get tight. If I had been at a different point in my route, I might have only tried for 12 miles. But I knew that, by the time I could try to shorten it, I’d already be at mile 11. 11 miles was too close to 14 for me to quit. I had to do a lot of walking out of the last three miles, probably about a mile or mile and a half cumulatively, but I finished all 14 miles. I kept checking in on social media to keep me going throughout it all, which is rare for me, but I knew I needed the boost.
I’m getting back to pushing myself again. This isn’t just about running. I need to refocus and remember why I do what I do. It’s not just about doing new things or reaching new bests. I can push myself while doing things I’ve done before, in fact, it’s necessary. I need to push myself to strength train consistently, I need to push myself to hone my nutrition, I need to push myself to do my best instead of just aiming to get something done.